If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
