Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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