It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
