im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
