I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
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