a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
