im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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