Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
