Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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