There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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