I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
