I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
