my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize