saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
