I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
