my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Randomize
