I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
