Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
The ass gains better be worth it
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