My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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