We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
