Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
