So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
well you can't waste a boner
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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