My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
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my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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