I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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