New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
