If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
