went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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