my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
