ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
last night I used snow as a chaser
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
