My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
