I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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