I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
