He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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