sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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