My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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