You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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