my sisters under your porch take her home
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
