12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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