Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
