I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Randomize
