every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
He did a backflip because drugs
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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