it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
