the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
