Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
