Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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