so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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