I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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