I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
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used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
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Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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