i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize