??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
