He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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