i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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