she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Randomize
