I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
