I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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