Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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