I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
