Where did you get a picture of my penis
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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