You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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