Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
