Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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